1984 = 2010

In a way, the world-view of the Party imposed itself most successfully on people incapable of understanding it. They could be made to accept the most flagrant violations of reality, because they never fully grasped the enormity of what was demanded of them, and were not sufficiently interested in public events to notice what was happening. By lack of understanding they remained sane. They simply swallowed everything, and what they swallowed did them no harm, because it left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird

Exception, pour rêver Mozart

The rule is a question of culture, the exception a question of art. Everyone speaks the rule: cigarettes, computers, t-shirts, tourism, war. No-one speaks the exception. It cannot be spoken. It can be written: Flaubert, Dostoyevsky. It can be composed: Gershwin, Mozart. It can be painted: Cezanne, Vermeer. It can be filmed: Antonioni, Vigo. Or it can be lived, and is thus called the art of living: Srebenica, Mostar, Sarajevo. It is part of the rules to want the death of the exception. It is the rule of European culture to organise the death of the art of living.
JLG

加缪初印象

(一)

昨晚在回家的公交车上, 外面下着雨, 公交车里窗户紧闭, 潮湿的臭味热烘烘的扑面而来. 头上的电视在一遍又一遍的放一个关于廉洁正义的宣传片, 正好我刚刚读完了”局外人”便无聊的观察着那些孩子, 更确切的说是那些女孩, 我已经失去了估计比我小的那些孩子的年龄的能力, 我只是在想我若在这个年龄, 我是否会喜欢上这个类型的女生. 画面中的那些孩子装出开心的在体育场跑道边上鼓掌和敬礼, 我已无法想象当年我若在他们中间的确切情形, 我还不至于像现在这样愤恨的蔑视, 我想我只是觉得天气很热, 阳光很刺眼, 我看到了我前面站着的某个同学针刺般树立的头发上有几滴粘乎乎的汗珠, 我觉得无聊和莫名其妙的困, 然后我的那个”心上人”(站在最前面那个在那个年纪稍有些姿色,带领后面黑压压一群人敬礼的女孩)突然手臂用力的向上一挥, 由于用力过猛, 身体有些僵硬的微微一颤, 我便觉得脑子一阵晕(多是由于天气), 一身鸡皮疙瘩.

(二)

从我住的地方到车站需要一段距离, 那段距离之中原本计划是由一座公园或者花园之类的东西, 开发商后来觉得亏本或者无所谓就忘了花园这件事. 时间久了, 这篇地就杂草丛生, 就有人从中踩出了一条路. 之后一些老太太从中拔掉一些杂草开出一片地种了葱, 绿豆和一些我不认识的作物, 现在乍看上去倒像一片不怎么繁盛的菜地. 这件事倒也没什么特别, 只是让我想起了卡夫卡”城堡”中的K, 一个土地测量员, 单就土地测量员这个词而言, 既不是卑鄙地下的坏人, 又不是烈士英雄之类; 就像这片菜地, 一个原本应当成为花园的土地, 却也没变成污浊腐臭的臭水塘, 而是成了一片菜地. 这也是为什么我突然把我博客的名字改成了抗争与漠不关心的黄金分割.

地洞被封，我裸在外面

地洞被封原本是件意料之中的事，可现在发现博客绝不仅仅是个留些文字划定个区域让别人看看的地方，内心的一种几句的感情无法倾斜才是真正的问题，归根结底一切都是无可救药的我和我如何啃光自己的窝边草发现自己却了那块遮蔽，发现与周围无法相融，最终还是我自己灰溜溜的逃离的问题。地洞显得如此重要是因为这些日子实在无法形容。起先只是胃口不好，终日方便面面包果腹，接着就身体软烂，我整日自嘲般的看着自己微颤的手指自娱自乐；那天突然的高温着实把我吓到了，接着精神就萎靡下去；法语学得实在让我吃不消...最重要的是一日一日的觉得周围的人没有交往的意义,尽管有时聊的神飞色舞但终究也跟他们没什么大关系,表面上我是心情烦躁无聊跟他们吵上两句,但他们永远不会相信我从没有爱过他们.突然想起了双峰镇里的Log Lady,终将有一天我也抱个木桩子聊天(其实还挺酷的).其实我也就是想写些什么,就跟那天自己在公交车上想起了Taking Woodstock的预告片就差点哭出来,原本我就想哭;也跟这绝望的生活一样,只是迫切的想做些有意义的什么:就跟一高中同学问起我那时想当一俱乐部老板的梦想的事,总之那时候就要梦想些什么,尽管那时的我也跟现在一样觉得这梦想又脑残又无聊.无论如何生活要继续活下去,只是被封到我地洞外面,痛苦些而已.

Soulseek聊天記錄

[04Jan09 23:53:48][Herredrum] why ban?
[04Jan09 23:54:13][CLAAB] no files shared?
[04Jan09 23:54:43][Herredrum] i got them all shared
[04Jan09 23:56:06][CLAAB] not with me...
[04Jan09 23:56:30][Herredrum] you cant see
[04Jan09 23:57:07][CLAAB] it says "no files shared" so I can...
[04Jan09 23:57:59][Herredrum] how about now, maybe some setting error or the folder's name is in chinese
[04Jan09 23:59:11][CLAAB] nope. Can others download from you at this moment?
[04Jan09 23:59:24][Herredrum] no idea
[05Jan09 00:00:57][Herredrum] i add u to my list, can you now
[05Jan09 00:02:30][CLAAB] you can see if you are uploading to others in "transfers."
[05Jan09 00:02:45][CLAAB] I can see your files now. Unbanned you.
[05Jan09 00:02:52][Herredrum] thx